Ever since grade 11 I had basically a yearly mini-nervous breakdown. A point where I just let everything that I hate building up in that point in a sort of primal scream or cringe of emotional pain. It was good for the time being, and sort of part of my nature at the time. Hell it was even a trend thing for me. But to tell the truth, it's been off kilter recently. It would come late, or too early or just something else would set it off.

It was about a week and a half ago where I was in bed and then I had this sort of panic attack. Not an anxiety attack at all, I can diagnose that kinda shit because whatever I usually have is probably overexaggerated anyways. But I felt my confidence just shut the fuck down. I felt like I was reverting to primal feelings, like wanting to smash the fuck of my wall. It could have been stress, the cola I drank earlier (which I tend to get hyper) or even perhaps the cold that I had last week.

Irregardless I had those feelings and in the longest time I felt sad. Genuinly sad. Now this isn't really bad sadness. In most cases the real depressed feelings I ever had were merely sort of cries of attention or superficial at best. Plus it was possibly much more worse than the geniune sadness I felt last week. But still it felt like a sort of heaviness on my heart. A literal fullness of heat in my head.

And now I don't feel happy at all. It could be the cold. But I doesn't mean I feel sad, it's just that I feel so devoid of happiness that something more damning replaced it. Apathy. Perhaps I need a vacation. Perhaps I need again, petty validation from my friends. But perhaps I shouldn't be always living to get certain praise for my friends and respect myself which I do to a certain degree.

Well in the end this all might pass, and I'll go back to being on the rollercoaster that are my emotions. It's normal for everyone I suppose.